I told him I wanted to have sex to "halleluiah", he suggested the poke-rap.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
You both sound like you need to get shit faced, fight it out, and have makeup sex.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
