conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
Randomize