somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
I haven't worn deodorant in like three days and have been laying around in my underwear listening to music and drinking. I think i've made my own Bonnaroo in my apartment.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
Try eating a sub blackout with your uncle. It's not easy ok
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
I just puked into a clean basket of laundry.
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