I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
Did we fight the bathroom girl ? She just wanted to give us lotion and condoms.
Be still, my beating vagina.
I should have slept with you when you were wearing the gorilla suit. I've had dreams about your chest hair. I hope jail wasn't too bad.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Does it count as working out if stops are taken every half hour to smoke a blunt?
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
Me too...I'm driving to work trying to figure out if I put my pants on the right way.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
Randomize
