dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
How, after 24 years of life, did I manage to revisit breastmilk
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
the pub in dfw airport has a countdown timer to st. pattys day, to the second, i like texas
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
All you need to know is that isn't jizz
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If you've ever wanted to get filthy in a Catholic church before 2 on a Wednesday, I might be your guy.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
We are in Florida for 3 days. The people in charge of shit brought: a waffle maker, a cheese grater and a SEWING MACHINE
AND NO VODKA
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
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