Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger
I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...
What do herpes have to do with anything?
I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
She pushed me over. She offered me a shot from her tits. We're good now
What part of "he tried to put his dick in my ear" did you not understand??
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Perfect. I'll put on my party clothes and write emergency numbers on my arm
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
Randomize
