If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
I pretty much gave up on you when you told me you couldn't go home yet b/c you had to stop at church first. It was 2 AM and you insisted you were late for mass.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Finally smoked with my brothers, I feel like I just won gold at the Best Older Brother Ever Olympics
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
Randomize
