Dude, I couldnt get it up cause she said her parents were home...
ok, come over...I have doritos
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
I want him to rain dance my fallopian tubes.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
You're such a good friend. You send me pictures of your boobs when I'm sad. I will always appreciate that.
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
you should probably call the Bronx Zoo in the morning to formally apologize
its the right thing to do
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