I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
omg, I know. It's so embarrassing that we've both had his penis in parts of our bodies
Hey a mouth doesn't really count. A vagina counts more.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
he said i ruined lesbian porn for him
An attempt at squeezing a tomato to make a bloody mary just says desperation all over it....
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
But lunch with my dad really just means an hour and a half of him telling me how he's disappointed and how he knows I'm on drugs
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
