This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
thinking back, the fact that our bartender was missing a finger shouldve been hint number one not to let him pick our drinks
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
So how was your new years? Did u ride a horse at 3am in zero degree weather? Because I sure did
It's like everything I need in life within a five block radius: booze, toilets, dogs, dicks.
I'm hiding in the bathroom at the library but there are children here I just want to drunk cry in peace
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
Randomize
