party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
Hate you missed the after party, I was covered in dish soap gliding bare assed down a slip n slide at 6:30 this morning
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Who was that dick in the suit telling us to stop drinking?
The priest.
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Im sitting on the floor of the hotel room eating nachos and drinking coffee. People should learn to embrace their hangovers
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize
