she was like a sexier Rosie O'Donnel
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
do you find it slutty that the last person I had sex with is also the person who sings my ringtone ?
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
It seems that Coffee is the true alpha male.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
90% sure I just opened a snapchat of you in a fuzzy bathrobe next to your ceiling collapsing
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
Randomize
