Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
He was my first. He knew. He knew right there I was wrapped around his penis.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I ended up sleeping with him in a public bathroom because neither of us remembered where we lived. I have hit a new low.
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