I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.
Just passed a Taco Bell Taco Supreme, still in its wrapper, laying in the grass. I'd like a moment of silence.
May it rest in peace.
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"
got my wristband ripped off, was told i can only be served water. please find me, i'll be running through the fountain
I wish you'd make everyone's lives easier and do him already. Then we can get rid of him.
It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.
Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
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