but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
So I was just looking through the calendar on my phone seeing what day new years was on & on dec 31st at 9am it says "nude champagne toast". Guess we have to do it.
Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?
I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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