we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
I'm watching the red sox through my neighbors window from my bathroom. We're winning btw.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
Just hook me up with your dad already stop being selfish
It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
well ya only live once...
that cant be your answer for every horrible thing you do
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