So I ate yogurt with the back of my toothbrush. I feel like I've officially been initiated into college.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
Randomize
