good call on bringing her. it's always good to invite chicks who mix booze and prescription drugs.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
Randomize
