I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.
Most guys don't get turned on by "skinny, gangly legged girl with glasses laying in bed touching herself." You better start working on your diction if you're gonna keep up the sexting.
my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Im gonna wear a random assortment of things for Halloween, guy with the most creative answer gets laid
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Just jacked in the family restroom in the hospital while eating beef jerky and looking at reddit gone wild.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Randomize
