I molested 6 butterflies tonight
Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
i hooked up with a boy reading dear john, i have to get points for that somewhere
no he gets major points for having a girl hookup with him after reading dear john
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
Guess I'll put him on my to-do list too. But closer to the bottom since we dated before. That's almost unethical.
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
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