"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
