Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning
I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk
Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
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Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
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Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
pray to the hookup gods
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
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