my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
So... crashing at the hot bartender's place is not a solid marital decision.
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
Well I've decided to refuse to conform to society and be naked the rest of the day.
I'm at home 4 xanax deep watching She's all that.. no I don't want to go out. The couch is eating me.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
