Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
you thought your balls were fighting each other...
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
