im really going to miss that car, so many blow jobs...
I feel a whole lot better than i did this morning at 3 when one of my roommates discovered me slightly aware of my surroundings and naked in the bath tub with the shower on
maby next time we don't finish the whole box wine just because it tastes like shit
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Vodka tonic time....wish me luck!
Go for it my man. I'm saving my shit show night for tomorrow. Gonna make it a big one just to let the entire bar know why I'm single
My dad used the quotation mark gesture with his hands when he asked how my "roommate" was doing.
That may be because I drunkenly sent him a pick of you two curled up together like kittens. Two very buff kittens.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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