Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
I passed up getting laid last night. It's almost been a YEAR - what the Hell was I thinking, being so choosy??
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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