If i come over, it means nothing
This random guy asked me if I had downs. I was like up yours! And I got out of his car.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
We were covered in sweat and glitter, making out onstage, in front of everyone. I think it was a good night.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize
