xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
Apparently, acid is a good substitute for cash if you don't have any! Who knew?
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
