I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Too much gin, very little bucket
We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
God I hope the gutter I die in is nice. You know, for a gutter.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
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