The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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