PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
I just shit my pants and had a heart attack. Simultaneously. May or may not be related to this game.
I might be the strongest willed bouncer ever. Earlier tonight a girl flashed me trying to get in. I just replied "Sorry I'm gay", she believed me and left.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Randomize
