Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.
You should've just screamed yes we can!
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
You get 5 min
Your time limits don't scare me, I'll include foreplay and redressing in that 5 min. If you wanted to challenge me you should say you got an hour, id be scared then and more creative.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Its official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
I got outsmarted by a door tonight. Twice.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
