It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
Your roommate was biting my friend last night. It was weird.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
You owe me a one night stand and a line. Possible an inflatable flamingo as well. And a caesar salad.
They are in the bedroom next door. We might have a threesome idk. Jesus take the wheel.
GO. DO.
I am Jesus and I am taking the wheel.
You were telling everyone in the bar that Jess gave you scurvy.
Randomize
