If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!
Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior, Kendra's boobs?
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
My friends got engaged today and I learned the techniques of going upside down on a stripper pole. I'm not really sure who won...
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Sitting on my couch watching TV in my underwear drinking a bottle of wine.... and you want to interrupt me to come pick you up. No I will not do it.
And by "sexually intimate," you mean fuck buddies?
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
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