It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
I would have added her but her profile pic was piece of pie
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Oh well shit happens. This is my not worried face. This is also my still decently drunk face.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
Don't lose. A little bit of my soul dies every time a beer pong game is lost.
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
I'll accept that I'm a woo girl. Just not the drunk cowboy hat wearing bar mongering twat bag type
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
