yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
I went to the bathroom, came back, and my friend was sleeping leaning up against the stripper pole.
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
It'll be a pair of asscheeks that light up when they're summoned.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
My orgasm happened in two different decades
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