i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
he was lying next to me and i saw him text "score" to someone.
There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
she said she was living bicuriously through me.
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
if you're the one who put those dollar bills in my bra last night, thank you because I just used that money to get myself a coffee
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
We smell like vodka and hangover
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