my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
Some guy I've never met before just came outside and started rolling a blunt on our fence and passed it around to all six of us. At eight in the morning. Today's gonna be weird.
There's a Taco Bell quesadilla in my shower caddy right now.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
That was years ago. And it was chlamydia.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
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