Hands down the best time I've ever had barfing.
Please stop sending me picture messages of your shit. Seriously. I don't care if it looks like popcorn chicken.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
they call him Oral-B. enough said
I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
You declared war on your ex and then had sex with who you thought was her sister. No one knows who she was but we think your dick might be in danger.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
Randomize
