dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Taylor Swift is so right about you.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
She said you were bangin on the counters of McDonalds singing "These Eyes" at 4am
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
the girls im babysitting are trying to see how much jello they can swallow without chewing...their future boyfriends are lucky
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
My drug dealer is giving me a 15% veterans discount on my weed for nov 11th
That's the best thing I've heard all week.
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Randomize
