just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
You're like the curious george of whores
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
If you want to borrow my flask for all future interviews as a good luck charm because your last one went so well with it in your suit pocket, just let me know
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
MDMA, margaritas, mashed potatoes and ice cream aren't keto Kristin
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
Randomize
