ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
My day in three words: secret purse cake
He was leaving the restaurant I was going to as I was parking. I didn't want to scream, "hey, didn't I jerk you off?" Out of my window at 10 am
I'm abstinent now
Oh, is this one of the times when you're serious?
I told her my hands felt like they touched the sun, never been that stoned before
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
i'm sitting in bed scratching my boobs and wearing a sparkly fedora and have no one to blame but myself
You called your ex, and talked to her for an hour about how you miss her, came back inside and asked the girl with the biggest tits if you could take a pic with your face in them and sent her the picture.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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