I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I'M TOO HORNY FOR GRAMMAR!!!
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
