I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
He used pronouns for his penis while sexting. I don't know what I did to deserve this.
She pinched my nipples too hard I THINK THEYRE GONE
I TOLD YOU ABOUT GOTH CHICKS BRO. I WARNED YOU
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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