chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.
THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.
..So we should take it off Youtube?
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like picking cocaine boogers out of your nose at your parents house.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
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