this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i wish i could swallow nair and shit it out and it would get rid of all my ass hair.
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
This pandemic, it’s making everyone horny. I’ve got dick stashed all over town
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