The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.
And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.
Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
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She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
Pretty sure I sang "What Makes You Beautiful" to some random guy in a parking lot last night...
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
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You know you're an adult when you start planning your hookup a week in advance
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
If God is analyzing my life right now extremely proud or dissapointed but either way I took wednesday night drinkin to new levels
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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