It has come to my attention that I should apologize for myself and my friends
Want to have sex later?
This feels like a trap
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.
planned ethnic drinking holidays while bored at work thru next may. I don't suppose you have any scots or russian in you?
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.
Just so you know, classy bitches change the morning after in a CVS bathroom.
My heart is swelling with pride right now. I fucking love you.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
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