Ambien. No doubt about it.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
He just keeps repeating "this isn't my bagel".. i'm worried for his safety
Everyone in the office is in total denial. I asked my boss what he did this weekend and he said "nothing much." But I know we were both thinking about the orgy.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I can't wait till we are old and wrinkly and I can turn to you and ask, "Remember when you Rick Jamesed the shit out of that couch??"
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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