Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
