I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
You are a lesbian wizard with red hair. You are willow
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Just sent my mother the text "we need to get our vaginas looked at this thursday". Hows your day going?
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
FUCK WHALES
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