Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
It's gonna be like a sexual version of A Christmas Carol in my house in a few days.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Of course the sales lady was judging you, you bought a pregnancy test, ky jelly, diet pills and a 6 pack of red bull. Even i'm judging you.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
