Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.
Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
Dude...I slept walked to the free condom bin in the lounge last night. I don't know why.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Randomize
