how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
Dreamed I made out with a stranger after falling out of a car, let's make this happen tonight.
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
hoooly shit dude in taco costume challenged alpha douche to a fight. he's got catch phrases. come. now.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
