Woke up this morning to a janitor hitting me in the head with his bucket in the hallway of my building. An alumni was next to me because we locked ourselves out of my room and couldn't figure out where my roommates were.
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
found POGS while I was cleaning my room this morning. Definitely bringing them back to school to turn into a drinking game.
i fucked her mom dude
there's something to tell the kids
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
What are u up to today?
Marathon sex and eating.
Randomize
