Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Exactly. I don't do penetration on the first date. Blowjobs however are perfectly acceptable.
I encourage the greeting beej. It determines if the dick is worth keeping around.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Why we can't turn this into a healthy friendship where I cheat on my boyfriend with you and you feel better knowing everything wrong with my life is beyond me.
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Good for you, kid with a beer in hand as you walk to your 11 am class.
I thought this was a dry campus.
That means you have to bring your own beer from home.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
