I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sorry I wasn't really responding earlier. I was really fucking high and so into that car chase.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
I would sacrifice a finger for two more hours of sleep.
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
New goal find someone I love enough to use these Japanese pancake flavored condoms on
Randomize
