at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
But the ghost of his schlong past haunts you
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I've decided to have sex with him one more time to make sure I don't like him
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Randomize
